055 | Three Words Holding You Back From What You Want

Three words have become an almost automatic response to challenging or new situations. They lead to confusion and inaction, and they’re holding you back from what you want.

In this episode, let’s talk about what these three words are, why we say them, and what we can say instead.

Lightly edited transcript appears after the show notes.

 Topics Discussed

• three words that hold you back
• why we say these three words
• what to say instead

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Resources mentioned

Lifestyle Freedom Starter Guide

Episode 29: What to Do When You Struggle to Reach Your Goals

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Email: hello@rhothomas.com

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Lightly Edited Transcript

Hey friends, welcome back to the show, I hope you are doing well. So today we are talking about a topic that’s not directly money related, but it absolutely bears on managing your money and reaching lifestyle freedom, and having control of your time and all the things. So today we’re going to explore, three words that are holding you back from what you want in life. They’re keeping you from doing the things you want to do or need to do to reach your goals. And these three words are so commonplace and almost automatic in our society, but they are the quickest way to stop you in your tracks and completely shut down your creativity and cut off your problem solving abilities. Those three words are I don’t know. I don’t know is the worst thing to think when you’re faced with a challenge or something you’ve never done before, because that thought signals your brain to stop trying. Like, don’t even try to find a solution basically tell your brain, that there’s no point in trying to figure this out. Right. It leaves you feeling confused, and it’s easier to stay confused, because then you don’t have to do anything, confusion, always leads to inaction. We’ve talked before about how being confused and not making decisions is one way we try to keep ourselves safe, but really all you’re doing when you say you’re confused, is procrastinating and keeping yourself stuck in the same place, because if I’m telling myself, I don’t know what to do next, and I’m feeling confused. Then I just don’t do anything, which means I also don’t make any progress. Also, I don’t know is usually not true. Like sure there are some things you literally don’t know most of us didn’t go to medical school, for example, so we don’t know how to assess a patient, and come up with a treatment plan, Or you know that ABC symptoms mean XYZ illness, or we know we don’t know how to do surgical procedures like I’m not talking about that kind of thing. Those like skills that come from specialized training. I’m talking about the almost automatic response, many of us give in the face of new and or challenging situations. It’s a very unintentional response and it’s usually not true. So why do we say I don’t know. I think the reason is different depending on the situation, but let’s look at a few of them. So first, we want to have all the steps laid out neatly in front of us. And when we don’t, then it’s easier to say, I don’t know, than to move forward with what we have. But you’re a lawyer, you’re literally trained to think critically and reach the best conclusion you can without every single piece of information handed to you. Think about hypos in law school, right, like the facts will be very similar to the cases you’ve been studying, but the professor would purposely make some of them off a few of the key details are different but it’s up to you to recognize the case law that applies and apply your reasoning skills to determine what the outcome should be based on the facts that you have, and the things you know about how the cases were decided. The same is true in practice, although you know in a less exaggerated way, But, you know some of the hypos that my professors came up with were super random. But there’s rarely a case that is directly on point with the exact same facts that you know says exactly what you need it to say, but you work with what you have and you make the best arguments you can, and draw the best conclusions you can based on what you know, just the same thing here. For some reason, we like to compartmentalize our knowledge and skills like when I’m talking to a junior lawyer and they tell me, you know, I can’t find any case law on this issue. There’s no relevant case law out there. And I’m like, did you try Google, and they always look at me crazy. Like, even though we’re on Google looking up everything else in life any other time or at least you know I’m always searching random stuff, but for some reason, many people don’t think to check Google, and legal practice. And for my junior lawyers listening, that’s not to say, you know, go with whatever any random source on Google says, but a lot of times firms and other legal organizations will post articles and write ups on significant issues and cases, and those kinds of sources could help you, you know, get started in your research or point you in the right direction if you’re hitting a dead end. That might not always be the case, but don’t tell me you looked everywhere and there’s no cases if you haven’t even checked Google or other sources right. But anyway, that was a bit of a tangent. The point being, if anybody knows how to work with what they have, it’s you. You’ve literally been trained for this so don’t let the fact that you don’t have every single step laid out in front of you, lead to you saying, I don’t know and not doing anything at all. The second thing I think is when we want to make the, you know, quote right decision. You’re afraid that things won’t turn out the way you want them to. And you don’t want to make a mistake, so instead of making the decision. You tell yourself you don’t know what to do and go back and forth between the options and stay stuck. But we’ve talked before about the fact that there are no right and wrong decisions. There are very few decisions that can’t be undone. So if you make a decision and you don’t like the way it turns out you can typically pivot and do something else. But you won’t know that you don’t like one path until you actually make a decision and do it. And the final reason I want to talk about is that we don’t want to feel uncomfortable. So maybe the answer is something that will push you outside your comfort zone, so you say, I don’t know, instead, or maybe the thing that you need to do, you know what pushed you outside your comfort zone, or, you know you’re afraid of what other people will think, which by the way is just a reflection of what you think. So you say I don’t know, but deep down you do know. You’re just afraid of feeling uncomfortable, and there’s a quote, I love that says everything you want is on the other side of your comfort zone. I’m sure I’ve talked about it on here before, but your comfort zone may not even be all that comfortable, it’s just familiar, so you rather stay in the situation that you’re in the face the discomfort of doing something new. So just think, is the result you want worth the potential discomfort you might feel, maybe that’s a no for you and that’s fine, but if it is worth it. Don’t tell yourself you don’t know what to do and just let life happen to you because you’re afraid of being uncomfortable. Alright so now we’ve talked about why I don’t know what’s holding you back, and some situations it comes up in, I want to talk now about what to do when you find yourself saying, I don’t know. Because even with the knowledge that it holds you back and it stops you from being able to figure things out and move forward. You’re still probably going to say I don’t know a lot. I think it’s so ingrained in us is such an automatic response and I find myself saying it a lot. So when you find yourself saying you don’t know something, Or you don’t know how to do something, ask yourself if I did know what would I do asking yourself this question, opens your brain up to exploring and problem solving. So you don’t know how to budget, or whether to change practice areas or whatever the thing is that you’re telling yourself you don’t know if you did know what would you do, or if you had to guess, what do you think you would do, right, your brain would rather stay in the confusion of not knowing, but when you ask yourself these questions, you’re putting it to work to find an answer. If you’re still feeling stuck, ask yourself this question. What do I know. Once you have that answer, then ask yourself what’s the next best step based on what you already know. This is similar to the concept of starting where you are, that we talked about back in episode 29 So rather than coming up with the final answer or the whole solution all at once, you ease yourself into it by looking at what you already know, which feels easier, and then you can build from there. And finally, in the situations where you’re saying you don’t know because you’re afraid of making the wrong decision, or feeling uncomfortable. Here’s a brilliant question from my coach Jen deal that will clear all that up for you. She asked if you knew everything would work out perfectly. And there were no chance you would fail. What would you do, that’s your answer. In any event, I don’t know, is almost always untrue, get honest with yourself about why you’re saying you don’t know, and then use these questions to help you get to the answer. This is the kind of work I do with my clients when they feel stuck with their money and sometimes in other areas of their lives too. So if you’re ready to go deeper with this work and stop telling yourself you don’t know what to do, head to rho Thomas comm slash coaching, and let’s set up a call. Alright so that is it for this week’s episode, come over and connect with me on Instagram. You can find me at I am rho Thomas. I’m also on LinkedIn and my name there is rho Thomas. If you haven’t done so already, please take a second to subscribe to the show, leave a review, both of those things are super helpful for the show and I greatly appreciate them. Also share with a friend who you think would enjoy what we’re talking about over here, sharing is caring. Don’t be stingy. Alright, as we close out friend. I pray that you start noticing how often you tell yourself you don’t know, really question that. I pray that you get honest with yourself about what you want and what you need to do to accomplish your goals and get honest with yourself about why you aren’t doing those things. And as always, I pray that you continue to take steps to regain control of your time, build wealth, and live the life of freedom and choice you deserve. Talk to you later.