The Lie of Success

We’re taught from a young age to strive for success and that success equals money, status, and material possessions. But many lawyers achieve all those things and are still miserable.

Turns out traditional markers of success aren’t the ultimate reward people often believe them to be. Today’s episode explores success and some common misconceptions around it.

Lightly edited transcript appears after the show notes.

Topics we explore

• the definition of success

• the lies we believe about success

• how mindset plays into the way we view success and

• why we should redefine success.

Resources mentioned

Lifestyle Freedom Starter Guide: https://www.rhothomas.com/start

Connect with me

The Wealthyesque Community: https://www.rhothomas.com/community

Social media: @iamrhothomas on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter

Email: hello@rhothomas.com

Lightly Edited Transcript

Hey friend! Welcome back to another episode of Wealthyesque.

Thank you for joining me. It means a lot that you take some time out of your busy schedule to spend with me.

Today I want to talk about success. Society tells us that we should always be striving for success, and success has this very narrow definition, right? It’s all about money and status and material things, and it’s really easy to get caught up in all that, especially in the legal profession.

But is that what you really want, though? Too many of us are so busy reaching for the next rung on the ladder that we never stop to consider that part.

And we’re going to talk about it today. We’re going to look at

• The definition of success
• The lies we believe about success
• How mindset plays into the way we view success and
• Why we should redefine success

The definition of success

So let’s jump in with the definition of success.

One of the definitions of “success” from Merriam-Webster is “the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence.” This definition is in line with the way that we traditionally think about success.

The traditional definition of success in the corporate world, including the legal profession, is marked by more money, more status, more material things, all the things that show that you’ve “made it.”

But do those things really mean anything? I mean, yes, managing your money well can help you achieve control over your time, but if we’re constantly chasing money just to have more money, especially at the expense of everything else, what good does that do?

Society says that successful lawyers should have all the things—the big house, the fancy car, the money, the luxury vacations, the designer clothes, the corner office, all of that stuff.

I’m not saying any of those are inherently bad, but I think some of us let those things define who we are. Many of us chase after these things—after success—at the expense of all else, even in some cases at the expense of our integrity and our morals, thinking that these things are some kind of key to happiness in life, and they’re not.

Which leads me into the lies we believe about success.

The lies we believe about success

So many people believe that success will make them feel happy or fulfilled or valuable.

We keep hustling, grinding, working non-stop to reach this future point—this arbitrary definition of success—where we think life will be better but completely neglect our lives in the present in the process.

We feel like we have to do all these things. Why? Because that’s the way it’s always been done? When you look at the people who are ahead of you in their careers, consider whether you want the lives they’re living. If you don’t, don’t do the things they’re doing.

And I don’t know who this is for, but are you on a particular path just because it’s what’s been laid out for you? When’s the last time you checked in with God or whoever your higher power is or yourself to determine if where you are is where you’re supposed to be? Like I said, I don’t know who that’s for, but it’s definitely something to think about.

So anyway, all these measures of success that the world teaches us to value like the money and the things and the promotions, all of that means nothing if it comes at the expense of everything else. If it’s costing you your marriage, your relationship with your kids, your health, your integrity, right?

What good is it to “make it” when your personal life is in shambles and you don’t even recognize yourself anymore?

There are plenty of people who look like they have it all from the outside, but they’re miserable, constantly chasing more to find fulfillment or fill this void inside. How many people who seem to be the embodiment of success have we lost to suicide?

Because the success isn’t everything. The material things, the status, the wealth, they’re not going to fulfill you. They won’t fill that void.

Some of the loneliest, emptiest, most unhappy people in the world are the same ones who are quick to tell you how successful they are. They wear that success like a mask to cover their insecurities and emptiness.

You won’t be happier once you have more stuff. You won’t be happier once you have more money. You won’t be happier once you make partner.

If you can’t be happy in your current circumstances, you’re not going to be happy once you reach some arbitrary measure of success.

All the money in the world won’t make you happy, if you can’t find happiness now. And obviously I know that money matters to an extent, but there are countless studies that show that beyond a certain amount, usually somewhere around $70,000, more money doesn’t lead to more happiness.

There are people who make less than you who are happier than you right now. Who aren’t as stressed. Who have better relationships. Who take better care of their health.

By society’s standards, maybe they’re “less successful,” but are they really?

We often sacrifice the things that truly matter in life in pursuit of success, and then once we attain that success we’re looking for, we’re surprised to find that it doesn’t fulfill us. We might be happier temporarily, but it’s fleeting.

Happiness does not come from money or material things or status. Outside influences can’t dictate when you can be happy.

And I already kind of started touching on my next point about mindset just now, but let’s get into it further.

Mindset and success

Our mindset is huge in the way we experience the world, and if we don’t reframe our mindset, no amount of success will shift how we feel in the long term.

If my mindset is in this negative place, and I’m always pessimistic, even once I reach whatever success is supposed to be, I’m still going to feel the same way. I might temporarily feel happier, but I’ll eventually get right back to the same place because I haven’t changed anything about the way that I think, so the way I perceive the world is exactly the same.

Further, how much of what we think about success has been shaped by other people, starting with our parents?

Most of us are dealing with some deep-rooted stuff stemming from our childhood, and it shows up in how we act as adults and how we view things like success.

The way many of us grew up, you were rewarded with love when you did something right or you achieved something, but that love was withheld when you made a mistake or didn’t measure up. All the praise and attention if you got an “A,” but reprimands and punishment if you got a “C,” right?

I grew up in the era where children were to be seen and not heard. I got in trouble a lot because I like to talk. I used to get the “U” for “unsatisfactory” in conduct on my report cards in elementary school.

But I was killin it in every other subject. When I got good grades, I got a lot of positive attention, and I think that planted in me this perfectionism and this desire to always get things right and not make mistakes.

And honestly, I’m not a therapist or anything like that, but I think that’s probably why a lot of people in the legal profession are perfectionists and people pleasers.

Another big issue that often stems from our childhood experiences is this thought, this feeling of unworthiness. This feeling that you’re not valuable just for who you are.

Many of us chase success to cover that or to prove our worth. We want to feel significant, valuable, worthy.

But, friend, you already are all those things.

That’s why mindfulness and spending time with God or whoever your higher power is are so important. Practicing mindfulness helps you learn how to observe your thoughts and beliefs and not just accept them as truth. And if you’re a believer, spending quiet time in the Word will allow you to fill your mind with what God says about you and help you combat the narrative created by the world.

There’s nothing more unique on this Earth than you, friend. There’s never been and will never be another you. God doesn’t make extras, and he doesn’t make mistakes, and so you have to hold your head high and know your worth even when others don’t acknowledge it.

Stop looking to other people for validation. Stop looking for validation in all of these external factors that you truly can’t control.

Success, money, status, whatever other things you’re chasing, those things are great and all but not at the expense of what truly matters in life, which brings me to my final point.

We need to redefine the way we look at success.

Why we need to redefine success

We need to define success for ourselves and be intentional about working toward that definition. It goes back to the foundation of everything—your mindset and identifying your values, your priorities, your goals and taking action in line with them.

Stop allowing other people to dictate to you what success is. Don’t just follow along with other people’s notions of success because in doing that you’re usually chasing something that you don’t really want and then once you reach it, you’re still unfulfilled.

If you don’t define success for yourself then you will find yourself on this never-ending cycle of trying to measure up to these arbitrary standards that other people have set for you. You will live your life based on what other people want for you, and you’ll spend your entire life living for everyone else.

We need to measure success by metrics that truly matter to us, rather than spending our lives chasing more money, buying more things, comparing our careers to everyone else’s, trying harder and harder to get more.

Take a look at your life, and be honest with yourself. What does your faith look like? What about your relationships? What does your health look like? Are you truly happy?

Because if you’re just running on this treadmill trying to get more, more, more—more money, more recognition, more accolades, more whatever random measure of success we chase these days—and you’re not paying attention to yourself and those around you and what you truly want in life, you’ll end up reaching that goal and realizing that you’re not any happier and your life is exactly the same.

You’ve got to figure out what you want for your life and go after that. That’s what will make you happy.

For me, success is about becoming the best version of myself and living the life I want to live and making a difference in the world.

I’m definitely not my best self at times, but I’m a lot closer than I used to be. I think that a lot of that was that before, I was just running the race that was laid out for me.

I hadn’t really thought about what I truly wanted, what impact I could make, how to fill my cup. I was neglecting my faith. I did my drive-by devotionals, but I wasn’t truly spending time with the Lord, and it showed. I wasn’t as present as I could have been in my relationships.

So I just want you to think about what success means to you. Not what society or the media or others at your firm or your law school classmates or your parents say. What do you say?

How do you define success? Because if you define it in a way that aligns with who you are, you’ll be much happier, and you won’t be chasing after this empty, elusive, arbitrary standard that has been set by everyone else but that you don’t really care about.

Someone wrote recently about how she hated the book Lean In because she felt like it pushed women to take unsustainable actions to reach this unattainable standard, and she realized that the measures of success in the corporate world just don’t resonate with her because she doesn’t care too much about corporate success.

She could have been in my head because that’s exactly how I feel.

Coming out as a first-year that was all I knew, and I’ve told the story about going to my team leader and looking for advice about how to be a partner as a first-year. (Don’t judge me.)

But as I’ve grown and gotten to know myself better and what I really care about, and especially as I became a wife and a mom, all of those shiny corporate things pale in comparison to the other aspects of my life.

Yes, I want to do a good job, but at the same time I know that at the end of the day, this is business. I know that I’m replaceable. I know that if I die tomorrow, my family and friends are going to feel the lasting effects of that loss, while the firm will move on and will be looking for another associate to fill my seat. And that’s not a knock against the firm. That’s business.

And so I’m not going to live my life based on what my firm or others in the legal field deem successful. Some may disagree with that view or think I’m not committed or whatever, and that’s okay.

I know what I am committed to: myself, my faith, my family, and being the best person I can be.

I like what I do. I like my job. I love myself and my family.

So I’m not going to sacrifice any of that chasing after these corporate measures of success. I’m not willing to pay that price.

I know that for some people career is more important to them than family, and that’s okay. I don’t think anyone should be shamed for the way they feel or the things that they have deemed important to them.

But I do think everyone needs to take a step back and confirm that the path they’re on is truly the one that they want to be on, and it’s not one they’re on by default.

Most of us go through life on autopilot. We do the things that society tells us that we’re supposed to do, and we don’t question it. Then you look up 30 years later, 40 years later and have regret for the things that you didn’t do or the time that you didn’t spend. It doesn’t have to be that way.

That’s why I’m pursuing lifestyle freedom, and that’s why I’m defining success for myself, not just going along on autopilot doing what I’m supposed to do. There are a lot of things that I could be doing differently that would probably make me more successful by society’s standards in my career, but those things don’t align with what I want for myself and my family.

I’m okay with whatever outcomes come out of those decisions because I deliberately and intentionally made those decisions. I’ll accept full responsibility for the things that come from my intentional decisions.

I will be happy even if I’m not the most successful lawyer by corporate standards or society’s standards because I’m doing what’s right for me. I’ve defined success for myself, and I’m going after it with intention.

I’ll still do a good job, but I’m not willing to sacrifice myself, my faith, my health, my family, my relationships, any of that for success.

I’m absolutely fine if I don’t reach the levels of success that some people reach because I’m not willing to make some of the trade-offs that some people are willing to make.

I feel like I went on a bit of a rant there at the end, but I hope that blesses somebody.

Okay let’s recap.

1. The traditional definition of success tells us that we should chase after money, status, and material things to show that we’ve made it, but in the grand scheme, none of those things matter.
2. One of the biggest lies about success is that it will lead to happiness and fulfillment. The truth is if you can’t find happiness in your current circumstances, you won’t magically be happier once you have more money or make partner or buy something new.
3. If you don’t want the lives that people senior to you are living, don’t do the things they’re doing.
4. Check in with God and yourself to confirm that the path you’re on is the one you’re supposed to be on.
5. Many feelings like unworthiness and actions like perfectionism stem from our childhood experiences and shape the way we view success. Spending time in God’s Word and practicing mindfulness can help us identify negative beliefs and actions and turn them around.
6. We have to define success for ourselves and stop allowing others to dictate to us when we’re successful.
7. Define success in a way that aligns with who you are, rather than chasing the arbitrary standard set by others, and you’ll be much happier.

Okay that’s it for this episode. Join me over in our private Facebook community, The Wealthyesque Community, where we can continue this conversation about what success really means and how to define it for ourselves. You can head to rhothomas.com/community.

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As we close out, friend, I pray peace and clarity over you that you identify what you truly want in life and what it means to be successful for you.

I pray that the truth will be revealed to you about whether the path that you’re on is really the one that you want to be on or that God has for you.

I pray that you will define success for yourself and chase after it with intention.

And as always, I pray that you continue to take steps to take back control of your time, build wealth, and live the life of freedom and choice you deserve.

Talk to you later.