057 | The Importance of Talking About Money

Money is one of the most prominent things in our lives. It touches almost everything we do, but it’s one of the least talked about topics.

In this episode, we explore why people avoid talking about money, why talking about money is important, and how to start having more conversations about money.

Lightly edited transcript appears after the show notes.

 Topics Discussed

• why people avoid talking about money
• why talking about money is important
• how to start having more conversations with money

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Resources mentioned

Lifestyle Freedom Starter Guide

Episode 54: Money Emotions

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Lightly Edited Transcript

Hey friend. Welcome back to the show. I hope you’re doing well having an amazing day so far. So today we are talking about the importance of talking about money. Money is one of the most prominent things in our lives, it touches almost everything we do. We all need it, and yet it’s one of the least talked about topics like there was even a study a few years ago that found that the majority of people would rather talk about their sex lives or their weight than their bank account balances, and it is fascinating to me and so I want to talk about why talking about money is so important. First though, I want to talk about why we avoid talking about money. I think a big part of it, at least in America is that we’re socialized to believe that talking about money is rude or taboo, but it’s also that people feel a lot of shame and embarrassment, regarding money, and that comes from the fact that money is often thought of as a marker for like success in our society right and by proxy, our self worth. So, having more money, or at least having more markers of material wealth like nice cars and houses and all of that is equated with having more success, and therefore more self worth in the minds of many people, and I’d even here to say that that’s probably the majority of people in America. Many people also have a lot of negative thoughts about their particular money situation. So they may think, the amount of money they make, or have, in savings isn’t enough or the amount of debt they have is too much, right, many people, especially those in fields like law. They also think they should know this information already they should know how to handle their money. And so, these kinds of thoughts cause feelings like shame and embarrassment, which then lead to not talking about money. On the other hand, some people think they may quote too much money, and they may feel shame about that or about having built material wealth because of these beliefs from our society beliefs that maybe they’ve internalized from society about people who are wealthy or who make a lot of money. We’ve talked before about how shame can cut both ways where in society, we are conditioned to believe that people who have a lot of money or who are wealthy are crooked and so then when you find yourself in a position where you’re making a lot or you have been able to save a lot or build wealth, you may feel shame about it. And if you head back to Episode 54, it was money emotions, you can hear more about that like the emotions that we feel around money and how that impacts the way we handle our money, and what we’re actually able to do with it. But then you’ve got the constant comparison to other situations or at least our perception of what other situations are based on what they post on social media or what they talk about right. And speaking of that, there’s this great quote, I’m pretty sure it was Pastor Steve Furtick of Elevation Church in Charlotte, but he said something like, people are constantly comparing their behind the scenes to other people’s highlight reels and then feel bad about the difference, and that’s not the exact quote, but it was something to that effect. And that’s exactly what we’re doing, we compare what’s going on in our actual lives, to what people want us to see from their lives on social media and then we think we don’t measure up to where we quote should be, which leads to more negative feelings, and ultimately to us, not talking about money. So whatever the reason for the silence, not talking about money is a mistake. Why is it important? First of all, 78% of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck, including 25% of households bringing in $150,000 or more. I know as all you this that all the time, but it’s important. There are so many lawyers and others who are struggling with student loans and credit card debt and living beyond their means, even people in big law jobs and money problems are a leading cause of divorce in America. Most of us never learned about money as kids so we don’t know how to teach our own kids about money, we don’t discuss how much we’re making at work so we don’t know whether we’re being underpaid or otherwise being compensated differently from our peers and it’s just this never ending cycle, all the secrecy surrounding money does not make sense considering the role that money plays in our lives, like it’s a central part of our lives. So when people make mistakes with their money, simply because they don’t know any better. I’m people right I was one of those people. I was doing everything right, or so I thought, and if it weren’t for people sharing their money stories online, my family would probably still be making the same mistakes and would not have made the progress that we’ve made in our finances, over the last few years, As I’ve told you before, that’s part of why I started my blog back in 2018, and why I started this podcast, I want to share the things I’ve learned about money, so that you can use my experiences to do better with your own money. When we share our knowledge and our experiences with money than we help the next person, and when you open up about your money with others, you can teach them, and you can learn from them. You might talk with somebody who has encountered situations you didn’t even know existed. Right, which would help you know what to do in that situation should you encounter in the future, or at least you know is something to look out for. And you can learn whether you’re being underpaid or help someone else to figure out whether they’re being underpaid, but it’s all impossible for those things to happen if you don’t talk about money. You may also see that other people are or have been in the same or similar financial situations as you and I love what Dr. Brene Brown says about empathy being the antidote to shame, sharing something that you feel shame about with someone else and hearing that person say me too, right but secrecy and avoidance feel shame and so when we feel shame around money and we avoid talking about it and we keep it to ourselves and we fuel the shame and we allow it to grow. What can we do instead. The first step is about you, so it’s getting clear on your own numbers, your income, your expenses, your debt balances your net worth, all of that, and cleaning up your thoughts about those numbers, and your overall money mindset, especially if you’re not where you want to be yet you may be looking at your situation from a negative perspective, and you want to work through that. Right, if you’re thinking things like, I’ll never pay off my debt, or I’m bad with money, you might try thoughts like I’m making progress toward paying off my debt, or I’m learning to be good with money, slight tweaks toward more neutral thoughts will help you change your emotions, and ultimately the way you handle your money. Also, remember that money is neither good nor bad, we give it meaning by all our thoughts about it, including the ones we’ve been taught by society. And money is a tool that we can learn to use, and I learned this great exercise that really underscores that point, and can help you cut through your limiting money beliefs. So you write down all your thoughts about money, and then in each sentence, you replace the word money with a literal tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver. So, if money is the root of all evil is one of your thoughts, that becomes hammers are the root of all evil. In doing that helps you see how some of these really emotionally charged thoughts we have about money are kind of silly, right. Anyway, from there, you enter your conversations with others about money, starting with your family so if you’re in a relationship you open up about money, and so many couples don’t talk about money at all, or only talk about money, when there’s a problem, and we know that the talking at that point might be a bit louder, right, instead dream together about what your goals are and what each of you wants for the future and recognize that each of you have your own money story, and different ways that you were taught about money and different ways that you view money and all of that impacts how you handle money, so like learn those things about yourself and about your partner. If you have kids start teaching them about money in age appropriate ways so maybe you have them, save up for a toy they want or you show them how to budget money they make from odd jobs. The point, though, is to expose them to money and help them learn about it and get more comfortable with it, and you might broach the conversation with your parents or your siblings depending on your and their comfort level and that’s the case with all these conversations, like you’re not forcing awkward conversations that people don’t want to have, you’re just talking about money in a more intentional and open way. Going beyond your family talk to your friends about money. I loved a post I saw recently from Tonya Rapley of my fab finance, she posted on Instagram about these money meetings that she has with a group of five or so of her friends, and they talk about money and business and they learn from one another and teach each other like things that they’ve learned. And that goes back to some of what we were talking about earlier with sharing your experiences and things you’ve learned with others and vice versa. And finally, talk to your co workers. One of my favorite people at my firm sat me down when I was a second year, or maybe headed into my second year, and literally laid out for me, for each year she had been there, what our salary was, what her billable hours were how many pro bono hours she had what her raise was what her bonus was and it was super helpful for me to have an idea of what I might be able to expect. If I had some more numbers, and if the money wasn’t matching, then I knew that it was a potential issue. And luckily, there have been no issues. But that said, I share my information with associates coming behind me, maybe not quite in as much detail just because I don’t have the like details readily available like that person did, but I’ve also checked in periodically for myself on where I stand in relation to others at the same level and highly recommend being more open with your money at work. That’s not to say, go around asking everyone what they make and telling them what you make, but especially if you’ve developed relationships with particular people, you can ask questions, share your information to gain that insight to know where you stand and help you make decisions going forward, because it helps no one but your employer to keep quiet on this. The main point in everything that we’ve talked about today is talk about money. Right, you don’t know what you don’t know and talking with other people can show you what you don’t know. And if you want someone to talk about money, who can guide you in cleaning up your money mindset and in reaching your financial goals, I can help you, so head to rho Thomas comm slash coaching, and let’s set up a time to talk about your situation. Alright that’s it for this episode, Come connect with me over on social media, and let me know your thoughts. My handle is at I am rho Thomas on Instagram and on LinkedIn, I’m rho Thomas, please take a second to subscribe to the podcast, leave a review. Both of those things help the show and I greatly appreciate them. Also if you can think of a friend or two who would benefit from this information, go ahead and share it with them. I greatly appreciate that as well. All right friends, as we close out, I pray that you take some time to explore your thoughts and feelings around money and clean up anything that’s not serving you. I pray that you will open up to others about money and get more comfortable talking about it. And as always, I pray that you continue to take steps to regain control of your time, build wealth and live the life of freedom and choice you deserve. Talk to you later.