236 | The Danger of Comparison

An obsession with comparison is a major contributor to many lawyers being broke.

Striving to keep up with what you see other people doing typically only leads to financial mess.

In this episode, let’s talk about the comparison trap and what to do instead.

• • my personal experience with comparing our money journey with others who were further along
  • the problem with comparison
  • examples of my clients’ experiences with comparison
  • the truth about other people’s finances
  • who you should be comparing yourself to
  • how to use other people’s stories in a more helpful way

You’re listening to Personal Finance for Lawyers. I’m Rho Thomas, and as a busy wife, mom, and former Biglaw associate, I know all too well the tension between the culture of the legal profession and pretty much everything else you want to do in life. That’s why each week, I’m bringing you the information and tools you need to improve your money mindset and manage your money to create true wealth. Because ultimately, it’s not about the money. It’s about the freedom and flexibility the money affords. By the way, if you’re a lawyer who’s struggling with debt, you’re probably making at least one of five common mistakes. Grab my free guide on how to correct those mistakes and finally get out of debt for good. Head on over to rhothomas.com/guide. That’s G-U-I-D-E.

Hey friend. Welcome back to the show. I hope you’re doing well and having an amazing day so far. Today, we are talking about the danger of comparison, and specifically comparing yourself and your finances to other people and their finances. I remember early on in my husband’s and my financial journey, I was reading a bunch of blogs, and I was in forums, like surrounding myself with people who were where we wanted to be. I would see all these people talking about how much debt they had paid off, how much they had saved, how much their net worth was, and I would compare where we were to where they were, and I wish that we were there too. Like, have you ever done that, where you’re looking at what other people are doing and you’re feeling like you should be where they are, and feeling like you shouldn’t be where you are and wishing you could be where they are? Like, it sucks, right? But here’s the thing, when you are comparing your situation to other people’s situation, and you’re feeling like you’re not doing enough and you’re not far enough along, and what you’ve done isn’t good enough, and all that kind of stuff. It makes you feel terrible. It makes you feel like very unmotivated to keep doing what you are doing. And that is a recipe for throwing yourself off track, maybe even giving up on your goals. Now, on the other side, a few of my clients recently have mentioned seeing friends or colleagues or other people they know taking trips to cool places, and they are thinking that they should be able to do those things too. And what I told them is, you never know what people are doing to take those kinds of trips, like how they’re able to do it, any of that kind of stuff, you only know what people show you. I heard a story years ago about a young woman who had wrapped up 1000s of dollars of debt trying to keep up a certain image on Instagram. And there are lots of other people in that same boat. There are also many people who save up for those trips. That you see. There are people who get the trips for free from brands who want exposure, like they have to disclose that. But sometimes people aren’t actually paying for those trips. Sometimes they might receive the trip as a gift. The point, though, is that you don’t know, and if you decide that you’re gonna go take that same trip because you think you should be able to, because your friend was able to, or whoever else was able to, but you aren’t actually financially prepared to take that trip, you’re gonna sabotage your progress. I remember hearing a quote from Pastor Stephen ferry at Elevation Church, pretty sure I’ve talked about it on here before, but he said, Stop comparing your behind the scenes to other people’s highlight reels. We see what people want us to see on social media. You can’t know somebody’s whole life from a 30 second video from a picture like it’s not going to tell that whole story. Everybody has ups and downs. We just all tend to post about the good things that are happening in our lives. So we all get this over exposure to everybody else’s ups on social media, while we have full exposure to our own ups and downs. So always keep that in mind when you’re looking at what somebody else is doing on social media, and feeling like you should be able to do that too, or feeling like your life isn’t as good as it is because you’re not doing those things that you see them doing. But beyond trips, I see this kind of comparison come up with life accomplishments like buying a home, or, you know, other things like that, and that too can put you in a financial bind, because everybody goes at their own pace. There is no objective time or age when you should buy a house. There’s nothing to say that you ever have to buy a house, honestly, but when you’re comparing yourself to other people and feeling like you should be doing this, you’re doing sometimes it’ll cause us to rush into things like that and get ourselves in over our heads. So I was talking with a couple years recently about this exact thing. They believe they should be in houses. They should be able to buy something because they saw other people around them buying, and so they ended up buying too, but they’re in houses that are too expensive for their income, right? Just like with vacations and trips and all the other stuff we have. No idea how people are buying their houses. When I was a junior associate, I was having this conversation with a partner, and he told me that at some point I might see people in my class who started with me, right? They started around the same time as me, and they’re buying certain types of houses, like expensive houses. And he told me not to assume that they’re buying those houses just with their income, because what he had learned when he was in my position from some of his classmates, was that some of them had trust funds that unlocked money when they got to certain ages. So he was telling me that the same could be true with some of my classmates, where they’ll get these extra infusions of money from their trust fund. I don’t have a trust fund, but if I’m comparing myself to people who do have trust funds, and I’m trying to keep up with what they’re doing without knowing that extra information, without having that extra income that they have, then I might have thought that I should be doing the same kinds of things that they were doing. And buying the same kinds of things that they were buying, but I didn’t have, or wouldn’t have had that extra income that they had to finance those things. So the point of all of these examples is we never truly know what’s happening with anybody else’s finances. And if we go just based off of what we see them doing, and we try to replicate what they’re doing, we can put ourselves in financial trouble. So the best thing to do is stay focused on your own journey. Stay focused on your own goals. Don’t worry about what other people are doing. Don’t try to keep up with them. What is it that you actually want? Let’s look at your plan for how to get there, not just blindly do things without a financial plan, because you see somebody else doing it right. That’s how you get yourself to us, the only person that you’re in comparison with is an earlier version of yourself, making sure that you’re improving over time and doing better than that previous version of yourself. And if you’re not, then how do we get you back on track? Now there might be things that happen that set you back, like layoffs or illnesses or things like that. I am not saying, hear me. I’m not saying to look at some previous version of yourself where things are more stable and use that against yourself and beat yourself for not being in that position anymore. What I am saying is, don’t be looking outward. Don’t look externally at other people around you, and look at what they’re doing and think you should be doing those things too, and compare yourself in that way. Look at the goals that you have for yourself, and if you’re making progress toward those goals, you’re doing great. I know I started the conversation sharing how I used to beat myself up for not being where other people were at the beginning of our money training. Now I like to look at what other people are doing, who are further along, or who are doing things that I want to do, as examples of what’s possible for me too. Like, if they can do it, I can get there too. It might not be on their same timeline. It might not be with their exact same circumstances, but if they can do it, that’s proof that it’s possible. It’s like the four minute mile. How people thought it was physically impossible to break a four minute mile until Roger banner did it. And then all these people started doing it too. Because once you see proof that it’s possible, then something unlocks in your brain where it’s like, okay, if that person can do it, I can do it. That’s a big part of why I share my story. I want to be that example for other lawyers, just like all those random people on the internet were that example for me. So all that to say, Do not compare yourself to other people. Do not think that you should be where other people are or doing the same things that other people are doing. If anything, look at other people as examples of what you can do, of what’s possible for you, but don’t ever use other people against yourself, because you never know how they’re doing the things that they’re doing. There’s a saying that says Comparison is the thief of joy. You will be so much happier and so much more content with your life and your circumstances when you stop comparing yourself to others and wishing you had what they had. All right, so that is it for this week’s episode. Please take a second to subscribe to the show. Leave a review. Both of those things help the show’s visibility so more lawyers can find it and get the information they need to get on top of their money, get out of debt and build their network thank you in advance on their behalf, as we close out friend I pray that you take the information you learn here apply it in your life and open up to the realization that wealth is available to you, and you do that consistently week after week you’ll continue to take steps to regain control of your time, build wealth and live the life of freedom and choice you deserve. Talk to you later.