How to Keep Work from Taking Over Your Life as a Lawyer

If you’re a busy lawyer who feels like work is taking over your life, you’re not alone. It’s pretty common in the legal profession, and unless we have the proper strategies in place, it’s easy to see why work is consuming our lives.

So how can we stop it?

In this episode, we discuss this common problem in the legal profession and the key to turning everything around—setting better boundaries.

Lightly edited transcript appears after the show notes.

Topics we explore

• what boundaries are
• why they’re important
• what happens when we don’t set or enforce boundaries
• how to set effective boundaries
• examples of boundaries we can set around work to keep it from taking over our lives

Resources mentioned

Lifestyle Freedom Starter Guide: https://www.rhothomas.com/start

Wealthyesque, Episode 2: The One Thing Keeping You Stuck: https://www.rhothomas.com/2

Fishbowl app: https://www.fishbowlapp.com

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control-dp-0310351804/dp/0310351804/ Essentialism by Greg McKeown:  https://www.amazon.com/Essentialism-Disciplined-Pursuit-Greg-McKeown/dp/0804137382

Connect with me

The Wealthyesque Community: https://www.rhothomas.com/community

Social media: @iamrhothomas on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter

Email: hello@rhothomas.com

Lightly Edited Transcript

Hey friend! Thank you for joining me for another episode of Wealthyesque. We’ve all got a million things to do, so the fact that you’re taking a little time out of your day to be here with me means a lot.

Today, I want to talk about how to keep work from taking over your life as a lawyer. In the legal profession—and any service-based profession really—it’s easy for this to happen because we want to do a great job and provide excellent client service and be responsive and all that.

Technology makes it even harder because these days we can’t go anywhere without our phones, these magic mini computers that keeps us forever connected, with work always just a tap away. (Side note: remember back in the day when you always made sure you had change when you left the house in case you needed to use the pay phone while you were out? Such a slower time, and it’s crazy to me how far we’ve come in such a short period of time.)

Anyway, technology makes things more convenient, but it also makes us more accessible than ever, and if we don’t have the discipline to not be so accessible, we’re going to burn ourselves out.

Listen, if you want to keep work from taking over your life and you want more control over your time, you have to set boundaries. Without boundaries, everyone else will always be in control of your schedule.

So that’s what we’re going to talk about today. We’re going to look at

• what boundaries are
• why they’re important
• what happens when we don’t set or enforce our boundaries
• how to set effective boundaries and
• examples of boundaries we can set around work to keep it from taking over our lives.

What are boundaries?

So looking first at what boundaries are, Merriam-Webster defines the word “boundary” as “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.”

Applying that to our lives and specifically to our practices, our boundaries indicate the limit or extent of what we deem acceptable or appropriate. Our boundaries tell other people how they can treat us. That means if we have no boundaries, basically anything goes.

Our boundaries are a reflection of our values, priorities, and goals. We touched on the importance of getting clarity on those things in Episode 2: The One Thing Keeping You Stuck. Go back and check out that episode, if you haven’t yet.

But this is an example of why that clarity is so important. It’s hard to set meaningful boundaries if we don’t know what matters to us.

Why are boundaries important?

Switching gears, let’s talk about why boundaries are important.

Boundaries create expectations both for ourselves and for others. They show others how we expect them to treat us. They also allow us to make decisions for our lives without feeling the need to please others.

Because they’re a reflection of our values, priorities, and goals, they keep us from taking on too much, accepting every assignment, being on every committee.

That was me early on in my career—always saying yes to everything. But we literally can’t do all the things.

We have more control in our lives than we tend to admit. In every situation, we have a choice.

What often happens, though, is we don’t enforce our boundaries and we allow people to cross them in all kinds of ways because we don’t want to upset anyone. Then, we want to blame everyone else when our lives aren’t going the way we want them to.

No. That’s on us.

We teach people how to treat us.

We show people what behavior we will accept. And when we don’t value ourselves, other people won’t value us either.

When we say yes to what everyone else wants us to do, there’s no room to say yes to the things we want or value. We can’t elevate how everyone else feels above our own feelings and well-being.

Also, anyone who has a super strong reaction to you enforcing your boundaries, they’re probably one of the people you most need to set boundaries with.

What happens when we don’t set or enforce boundaries?

Now let’s look at what happens when we don’t set or enforce boundaries.

When we don’t set boundaries then we don’t set clear expectations of how we expect to be treated. When we don’t set clear expectations of how we expect to be treated, then there’s tension when people don’t treat us the way we want to be treated.

When someone crosses the line, if we don’t speak up, we give the impression that we’re okay with the behavior.

You’ve got to set those boundaries with partners you work with, senior associates, other colleagues, opposing counsel, whoever.

Set boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate.

I’m on this app called Fishbowl. Are you on there? Basically people get on there and tell all their business. They talk about what’s going on in their lives and at work and things like that, but it’s all anonymous, so people are super honest.

I’ve seen some wild stories on there, but two posts in particular caught my eye in the last week or so because they’re particularly relevant to this topic.

Lack of boundaries with a partner

The first is an associate talking about working for the worst partner in biglaw. In the post, the associate gives an example of the type of behavior this partner is displaying.

The post says, “This is just one example. One of many. Calls me every day at 10 pm sharp to give me drafts that are ‘needed the next day’ but won’t look at them for several days. And I’m not joking about every day.”

So my immediate reaction was, “Why are you answering the phone at 10 pm every night? Stop answering.” A lot of people in the comments said the same thing.

This is a common example of the lack of boundary-setting in our profession. I don’t know anything about this associate’s seniority level, but I see it a lot with junior associates first starting out.

I am forever grateful that one of my mentors warned me not to do this before I started working because, of course, lawyers are super Type A, and we want to do the best job and be super responsive and everything.

But the thing is, if you don’t set boundaries, no one else is going to do it for you. If you don’t set boundaries and teach people how to treat you, they’re going to treat you any kind of way. If you don’t respect your time, no one else is going to respect your time.

So if I were in that associate’s position, I would set that boundary and stop answering the phone at 10 pm. If you stop answering, the partner will eventually stop calling. Perhaps that partner would decide not to work with that associate anymore and find someone else.

But I’m okay if every partner or senior associate doesn’t want to work with me because, truth be told, I don’t want to work with you if you can’t respect my boundaries. That’s not the type of work environment that I want to be in.

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve wanted to be a lawyer since I was 7, so I’m not trying to leave anytime soon.

If I’m up all night every night trying to turn drafts for you by the next day, and you’re not even looking at them, I’m just going to burn myself out, get bitter, and end up leaving.

Ultimately, we are responsible for our lives and careers, and we have to make choices that are best for us.

Lack of boundaries with opposing counsel

The other post that caught my eye was from a female associate who posted in the Women in Law group. She writes, “How do you get opposing counsel to add their own changes to agreements? Example: working on a contract, sent it to opposing counsel, they respond, ‘please incorporate these changes into the agreement.’ Other attorneys will make their own modifications then send it back with track changes. How can I make this an expectation with all attorneys? I feel like I’m doing their work for them, and it’s too time consuming.”

Yes, sis, yes, you absolutely are doing their work for them.

Here’s the thing: you are not obligated to do what someone else wants you to do. That’s in any situation, but especially when you’re dealing with something like this.

This woman is spending her life putting in changes that the other side wants. I wish I would.

I told her I pretend comments like that aren’t in there. I’d respond with something like, “Thanks so much. Let us know once you incorporate those changes, and we’ll send the revisions over to our client.”

I’m not spending my time doing your work for you, and my client is not paying for me to incorporate changes your client wants.

The way the post read, it also sounded like this wasn’t the first time this happened. If the associate set that boundary at the outset and let opposing counsel know that she would not be incorporating his changes—and look at me assuming. I don’t know anything about opposing counsel, but when this has happened to me in the past, it’s always been older men—but anyway, if she set the boundary, she wouldn’t have wasted however much time doing work that’s not her responsibility.

And of course, we need to be reasonable, right? If counsel comes back with some extenuating circumstances, like he’s got some emergency and doesn’t have access to his computer, it’s not like, “Welp better download an app and figure that out.” I’m all for extending professional courtesy and helping, but you absolutely will not instruct me to do it just because.

Setting boundaries is crucial when you’re in a field like law because it’s so easy for us to get caught up in all the things. It’s so easy to slip into responding to emails at 10 or 11 at night and working all night and all weekend and all those things.

At the end of the day, those are choices we make. We could choose something different. Now there may be consequences to choosing something different, but the way I see it, if we just work 24/7 and don’t take time for ourselves or our families or our health or our other relationships, then what is all of this for?

If I work so hard and accomplish all the things but I’ve got broken or non-existent relationships with my family and friends or I work myself to exhaustion and end up in the hospital or I’m so burned out that I can’t think clearly or end up leaving the law, what good does that do me?

How to set effective boundaries

So with that, let’s talk about how to set effective boundaries. There are 4 key things to keep in mind.

1. Consider your values, priorities, and goals.

I know I keep saying this, but these are foundational to living life by design on your own terms. These are the things that truly matter to you.

The things you do in your life should align with your values, priorities, and goals. That includes setting boundaries. Defining what you want in life allows you to set clear boundaries that get you closer to that.

2. Be kind but firm.

If someone wants you to do something that is outside the boundaries you set, you don’t have to be rude or go off or whatever. You just let the person know that you won’t be doing whatever it is they’re asking you to do.

Often you can do this without flat out saying “no.” Like in the example of opposing counsel asking the associate to incorporate changes. She doesn’t have to say “no,” but by saying she looks forward to receiving the revised draft, she’s effectively saying “no.”

Sometimes boundary setting doesn’t even have to be a statement, like in the example of the associate receiving calls at 10 pm. By not answering the phone, that associate is communicating the boundary.

3. Keep it brief.

You don’t have to go into some long, drawn-out explanation for why you’re saying no. “No.” is a complete sentence.

For some reason, we often feel the need to offer up an explanation when no one asked for it. Do we explain why we’re saying yes to something? Usually not. So don’t feel like you have to explain yourself when you say no either.

If you want to say more, you can say something like, “I don’t have the capacity for that right now, but I appreciate the opportunity,” but you don’t have to go any deeper than that.

4. Enforce your boundaries.

If you set a boundary but don’t say anything when someone crosses it, have you really set a boundary?

No, you haven’t. You’ve got a wish in your head that no one knows about.

The point of boundaries is to define what’s acceptable or unacceptable to you. If you don’t enforce your boundaries, you suggest that whatever offending behavior is acceptable. The person breaching your boundary may not know unless you tell them.

If you want to go deeper on this topic, I highly recommend the books Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and Essentialism by Greg McKeown.

Examples of boundaries to keep work from taking over our lives

Now that we know how to set boundaries, I want to give you just a few examples of boundaries you can set in your work life.

1. Set your work hours and stick to them.

Aside from an exceptional circumstance, such as a deadline that hasn’t been met, work during certain hours. Respond to emails during those hours. Answer calls during those hours.

If you only respond to emails and calls during certain times, people come to expect that you will only respond to emails and calls during those times.

2. Block off your personal time on your calendar and keep those commitments.

We often cancel personal appointments because we want to be a team player or provide good service or whatever.

Oh it’s just my health. I know early detection is the key to prevention, but they need to move this call, so I’ll just reschedule this appointment again.

NO!

I have things on my calendar that are straight my time, whether that’s time I’ve scheduled to get a certain assignment done or a doctor’s appointment or time to leave the office.

I put it on the calendar so people can’t schedule meetings during those times. And if they do, I decline the invitation. I literally have something on my calendar already.

At the end of the day, friend, you and your time are just as valuable as your colleagues, your clients, whoever. Stop cancelling on yourself all the time to accommodate everyone else.

3. Turn off your email notifications.

That little ding and pop-up notification will take you off-task and distract you from doing the things you’re trying to do.

Instead, set times that you will check emails between tasks or at natural stopping points for longer tasks. That way you can get in the zone and get the things done that you need to get done without being disrupted every two minutes.

4. Don’t jump to answer the phone every time it rings.

Just because you get a call doesn’t mean you have to answer right then. Especially, if the person is calling outside of your work hours.

5. Don’t allow people to talk to you any kind of way.

We’re all adults here. Regardless of anyone’s title or position, you’re not going to be disrespectful or talk to me like I’m a child.

We will address it, and again, I don’t mind if someone doesn’t like me because I spoke up for myself.

At the end of the day, we are not responsible for the way people react to our boundaries. And as I said before, if someone reacts negatively to a boundary you set, they’re exactly the type of person you most needed the boundary for.

Let’s recap:

Boundaries indicate the limit or extent of what we deem acceptable or appropriate.

Boundaries are important because they tell other people how we expect to be treated and allow us to make decisions for our lives without feeling like we have to please others.

When we don’t set boundaries, there are no clear expectations of how we expect to be treated, and then there’s tension when we’re not treated the way we want. Further, when we don’t enforce our boundaries, we give the impression that the offending behavior was acceptable.

We can set effective boundaries by (1) keeping our values, priorities, and goals in mind; (2) being kind but firm in communicating our boundaries; (3) being brief and not offering extensive explanations for our boundaries; and (4) actually enforcing our boundaries when they’re breached.

Some ways to set boundaries at work are (1) setting work hours and sticking to them; (2) blocking off personal time on your calendar; (3) turning off your email notifications; (4) not answering the phone every time it rings; and (5) not allowing people to talk to you any kind of way.

Okay that’s it for this episode. Join me over in our private Facebook community, The Wealthyesque Community. I’d love to talk further about how we can get more control in our lives by setting boundaries. Head to rhothomas.com/community.

If you got value from today’s episode, please share with a friend or two you think would also benefit from it. If you want to share on social media, don’t forget to tag me @iamrhothomas on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.

Also, go ahead and subscribe to the show on whatever platform you’re listening on so you’ll be notified when new episodes are released, and if you’re so inclined, you can leave me a written review.

As we close out friend, I rebuke the spirit of confusion that has you believing that you are less valuable than anyone else or that you owe anyone your peace, your well-being, your health, insert whatever your thing is here.

I pray that you recognize your value and never allow anyone to diminish or downplay it.

I pray that you will firmly assert your boundaries and gently correct anyone who breaches them.

And as always, I pray that you will continue to take steps to regain control of your time, build wealth, and live the life of freedom and choice you deserve.

Talk to you later.